von Heyi Wang
Dear Z,
There are things unfolding now but I lack the courage to lay them bare in front of you.
This past Saturday in Thun, as I was strolling along the lake and watching a boat rhythmically sliced through the mirror-still water, I found myself lost in my memories. With every step along the promenade, I was walking again on the streets in our hometown, the one cradled in snow and sculpted from ice. Then it was all about you. you.
I dedicated every step to remind myself of your eyes, and every breath to recall the time when your hand was in mine. On that bitterly cold morning you once again brought a ghost of warmth into my weary soul.
Z, you must know, I have carried our memory into every season that has followed. But you, it seems, remained behind, forever freeze-framed in a midsummer night. Ever since then with the passing years, your face has grown blurred, then blurrier still. How do I dare claim to miss you? I had long since ceased my reckless hope for your arrival, but my mind surrenders to the persistence of our memory.
I told myself again, again and again: in the years to come, when memories well up in an unending tide, I will silently recite your name countless times like a prayer, and gently, yet firmly, let my heart shed its tears. I offer to bear those scars, so that in the end, I may lie down, bare, in those warm, tear-carved ravines, never to grieve again.
(c) Heyi Wang
Hi E,
It was a summer full of tears, hugs, endless goodbyes and little flying kisses. We exchanged names on a white T-shirt, in rainbow colours. I’m not sure about you but as a grown-up, among those kids, I’m used to saying goodbyes. Are you? But something else happened, right? You and I were sitting in a café at the back of the College, sipping cappuccino and latte. You were making me laugh so hard with your weird dinner recipe, and you praised how good I was at my job. Is it ever possible? To love you and hold you outside of this space? For us to be lovers through another identity, where gender and ethnicity do not matter? The helplessness of knowing that you have a whole life ahead and I am only granted, at best, the briefest chapter, or none. Our temporary encounters and promises we can’t keep.
But you and I, is it ever possible?
Forgive me, please, I’m still learning all different kinds of goodbyes, and your presence provides yet another possibility. But the beauty of this, at the end of the summer in 2025, I am completely, and incandescently in love with you. That I would carry this love to my next journey, learn about myself and try to be the best I could. And so will you.
And when we meet again, is it ever possible for us to be friends? Nothing else but friends.
(c) Heyi Wang
Heyi (Ivy) Wang war 2025 Erasmus Austauschstudentin an der PHZH. Sie studiert am University College London (BA Education Studies).